Van Minutes

Dear friends and family,

I hope you all had a wonderful, restful Christmas. I miss a lot of you far away ones…

I don’t know about you, but when there are events in one’s life that are beyond you, your understanding, your ‘ability’ to solve the problem, to power through it on your own, I mean really beyond you, I find that songs and movies, and scriptures, can sometimes express those experiences like no email or letter can. Scholars say that one of Tolkien’s motivations for Lord of the Rings was to make sense of the apocalypse-like tragedy of World War I and the loss there of two of his good friends. King David wrote some pretty good stuff when he was down; a Redeemer University professor bequeathed to me the heart emptying passion of Psalm 13 that I’ve never forgotten from my times of overwhelming health struggle in 1999/2000. I think it’s a natural thing to turn to art to try and capture, process and share about moments in your life that are bigger than you’ll ever be. I’ve had the chance to finally have a real (Christmas) break to think deeply about all the geographical, vocational, emotional and as well the marital issues between Karin and I, and I did what I’ve done before in times like this – started clinging to song, movie and scripture to make sense of it.

I’ve worked out to this WOW Hits 2011 song since I discovered it before my Christmas break started. Identifying with this song from Sanctus Real had the benefit laid out clearly in the lyrics, almost like a paved road that I too could walk on after the band.

I’m Not Alright by Sanctus Real (lyric highlights below)

I’m not alright, I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You, it leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
’til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only You are there to lead me on.

‘Cause honestly, I’m not that strong…

… that’s why I need You.

The lyrics and the tone of the song are really a very good way to describe the lows of how I have been doing. But God is gracious. It really didn’t end there. It never does when you deal with grace. The Tenth Avenue North song that came along really closely on the heals of Sanctus Real, you could say providentially. Another road to walk on:

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

Chorus:

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.…

You’ve been remade…

There are more songs but that’s representative. (By the way, I recommend WOW Hits 2011.) I go back to work tomorrow. The holidays with respect to marriage were a difficult road. We’re not to the end of this story yet and we still don’t know where it will end. (We are still communicating.) But God is also very very good. I’m not that strong, I’m not alright, but what Jesus Christ felt to forgive me and show his love for me – the weight of this glory – makes the worst of the worst seem really and truly ‘light and momentary.’ (2 Cor 4:17) I understand now that when the apostle Paul said that, he earned the right. Often times my troubles and their fallout are for not following God, many of Paul’s came from witnessing for Christ, and he could still say that. He earned the right to tell me “there, there it’ll be alright,” and I’m listening.

Maybe this sounds cheap or trite to someone reading. Well, pardon my unusual newsletter rudeness, but I don’t care what you think. I believe in this sort thing for real, or I may as well forsake the 3 years in seminary, dump Jesus and move on to the next god. You know that Christ and Him resurrected is a gift of faith handed down from heaven when you have no earthly reason left to hold on. The glory and grace of this Jesus is not only sufficient but surpassing. You can’t even weigh it against what you’re going through. It. Doesn’t. Compare.

“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…”

I see the word “prepare” in there. God makes even my afflictions prepare good things for me. That’s the kind of thinking that stops me from going nuts and whispers to me “get back up and walk on.” That’s the kind of sovereign King whose kingdom I’m pleased to labor in.

I’m teaching this year and saving money for the future. It’s tough and requiring patience I didn’t think I had. I want long term answers I don’t have. But who does really? But God has given me students to influence, one of whom is not Christian but started reading her Bible. God has given me a calling as I heard in church today from Acts 1:8 (as if Hendricks wasn’t enough, my DTS friends!) God has blessed me in little and big ways consistently over the year, even though people have begun their observations of my year with “I just can’t imagine how hard…” I have learned again to pray earnestly, “that adversity be a good teacher and that his student isn’t a fool.” I must be getting on with my Sunday rest now for the day ahead. As usual, please send your messages, encouragements and questions, requests for elaboration. I can’t say everything you want to know, because I can’t read your mind. Thanks so much for your prayers.

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
’cause the pain you’ve been feeling,
can’t compare to the joy that’s coming…

…it’s just the dark before the morning!

Josh Wilson – Before the Morning

Advertisement